Skip to main content

Loose Ends

I filed for a leave of absence from work as I tried to gather the shattered pieces of the life I once knew. It had been roughly 3 months since my last day of work. My request for leave had been denied. I was fortunate to receive assistance from the Employee Assistance Program through my employer to pay my rent. Since my claim had been denied, I didn’t have an income so it was imperative that I return to work. This was not expected to be an easy task. In the wake of my devastation, I reached out in a panic to my supervisor to explain that I wouldn’t be able to report for work the next day. Crying. Sobbing. Exposing the most fragile version of myself, a side of me he had never witnessed. All elements of professionalism had left me and instead I spoke as a woman, a mother in desperation. I was embarrassed to return to work. The culture of the company I worked for seemed to thrive upon employee gossip and my story had all the dramatic flair for a juicy story. It occurred to me that my supervisor was unable to keep this information to himself. My mind was consumed by the looks I expected to receive from my coworkers. I trembled at the thought of trying to explain why I had been gone for 3 months. Practicing over and over again, in the mirror, how I would restore my reputation. Even though the threat of peering eyes was imminent I was looking forward to getting back into my normal routine. I was making a decent living with my career and felt certain, I could dig through this financial rut. My to-do list was fool proof. I had written down all my bills that were past due and scheduled them as paid according to my pay schedule. Pay this. Pay that. Voila!! Things would be back in order soon enough and my separation from my children would’ve been short. Simple. I arrived at work, about 30 minutes prior to the start of my shift. I took a few deep breaths and walked through the revolving doors that led to the lobby. My supervisor was at the entrance waiting to receive me. This all seemed natural considering my badge had been inactive since I had been out for some time. I managed a smile, my only way of reassuring him that I was ready to get back to work. The smile was not returned. Instead I was ushered into a conference room away from my normal work area, where a phone sat in the middle of the table. A knot formed in my stomach, this didn’t feel good. On the other end of the phone was the head of my department. I was being laid off. I gracefully accepted the decision and waited in humiliation as my belongings were brought out to me in a cardboard box. My life was doing it again...throwing yet another blow. I returned home, defeated. Fear set in once again. Without my job, without an outpatient program to occupy my time I was forced to sit at home. Forced to confront the haunting echoes of my absent children’s laughter. Forced to be terrorized by the pictures and curtains hung by the monster whose actions took everything from me. Outside my door I was being taunted daily by his family who conveniently lived across the street. The woman I was working to become was being restrained by the mistakes of my past. This was not the time for a personal renaissance. The grandiose plans for self improvement and reclaiming my children had to be put on hold. My children deserved to return to a stable home. They deserved so much better than what I would be able to provide at this moment. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing my children in a homeless shelter or missing meals. This was my mess to fix. I had too many unresolved issues and no available resources. Now facing sudden job loss and an impending eviction , the road to redemption and repair would be long and arduous. No rest for the weary.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Mother’s Anguish

She imagines their laughter and it revives her melancholy mood. Remembering first words, first steps. Her troubled soul is comforted. She struggles daily. Fighting the urge to surrender to her critics. She forces herself to believe that a sacrifice like this is beneficial. The price is proving to be heavy for a fortune she has yet to see. Her heart too, grows heavy, at a gradual and staggering pace. Wanting and hoping that they will understand, that they can appreciate her intentions. Knowing she may fail causes her once confident spirit to grow weary. No solace is given; No hiatus given for peace. Since the age of sweet 16, I’ve held the title of mother. It was a title that I was proud to have. I enjoyed bearing the responsibility of nurturing, cultivating, and developing a young life, that came from me. As an orphan myself, becoming a mother was something that I took serious from day one. Although I was young and without much wisdom I was happy to have the opportunity to be for som...
Post a Comment
Read more

Formation

Now this is a story (blog) all about how my life got flipped turned upside down ~cue Fresh Prince of Bel Air intro music~: In 2015, I hit what most people and for all intents and purposes myself would consider to be ROCK BOTTOM!! My life quickly went from “normal” to being the relative opposite of that in every way imaginable. I guess as I look back over the years leading up to this turn of events, rock bottom was inevitable. Hindsight is most certainly 20/20 and this journey through tragedy,self reflection, healing and patience has taught me that. Most often when we hear the term “rock bottom” we conjure up thoughts of grief, loss, depresssion and any other range of negative emotions. This blog is not about that! No doubt we will discuss and reflect on the moments of anguish that come from being at rock bottom. However, as you may have noticed the title of the blog is ‘Solid Rock Bottom’. One might ask, how can rock bottom be solid? I’m a firm believer that in order to understand s...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Child’s Plight

Isolated and neglected, their innocence shattered. Broken, mislead their security erased. Hopeful and naive, they wait patiently. Unknowing, unaware she will not come, she cannot come, she can’t rescue them, she can’t guard them. Confused because she is gone, their unconditional love causes their tears. They hold tight to her promise, not ready for release. In an instance she loosens her grip and their security vanishes. As I mentioned in my previous post, I made the decision to sort through this rough period of life without my children being present. Maybe it was mother’s intuition but no doubt it was a decision based on fear of the unknown. I couldn’t see my next move. There was no blueprint for redemption. I spent many sleepless nights in a home that I would soon lose, trying to gather all the pieces necessary for triumph. There was no victory in sight and now with my children being gone any and all flickers of light and hope were darkened. My mood became progressively worse. ...
Post a Comment
Read more