A Mother’s Anguish

She imagines their laughter and it revives her melancholy mood. Remembering first words, first steps. Her troubled soul is comforted. She struggles daily. Fighting the urge to surrender to her critics. She forces herself to believe that a sacrifice like this is beneficial. The price is proving to be heavy for a fortune she has yet to see. Her heart too, grows heavy, at a gradual and staggering pace. Wanting and hoping that they will understand, that they can appreciate her intentions. Knowing she may fail causes her once confident spirit to grow weary. No solace is given; No hiatus given for peace. Since the age of sweet 16, I’ve held the title of mother. It was a title that I was proud to have. I enjoyed bearing the responsibility of nurturing, cultivating, and developing a young life, that came from me. As an orphan myself, becoming a mother was something that I took serious from day one. Although I was young and without much wisdom I was happy to have the opportunity to be for someone else what I desperately craved. Growing up in a world without knowing or remembering the feel of a mother’s love has harmful and sometimes irreparable effects on children. I was determined that would not be my children’s story. Immediately after each of my four children were born, I spoke softly in their ear: “I will never leave you”. This was my promise to them and when the time came for me to hit rock bottom that promise became void and unfulfilled. I had become undone. Unable to handle day to day tasks. How would I support us? Where would we live? I was suffocating and couldn’t find my way to sufficient air. Still being a mother at my core, I resolved to have my children leave and stay with family. Thus began the unfolding of a promise, a breech of trust. I figured eventually I would get past this and we’d all be reunited. But what if eventually never comes? How would I ever forgive myself? How do you explain to your children that you are weak?