Solid Rock Bottom

I filed for a leave of absence from work as I tried to gather the shattered pieces of the life I once knew. It had been roughly 3 months since my last day of work. My request for leave had been denied. I was fortunate to receive assistance from the Employee Assistance Program through my employer to pay my rent. Since my claim had been denied, I didn’t have an income so it was imperative that I return to work. This was not expected to be an easy task. In the wake of my devastation, I reached out in a panic to my supervisor to explain that I wouldn’t be able to report for work the next day. Crying. Sobbing. Exposing the most fragile version of myself, a side of me he had never witnessed. All elements of professionalism had left me and instead I spoke as a woman, a mother in desperation. I was embarrassed to return to work. The culture of the company I worked for seemed to thrive upon employee gossip and my story had all the dramatic flair for a juicy story. It occurred to me that my ...

Orphan. Teen Mom. Know it All. These were a few of the labels that I wore throughout the majority of my life. “No one in the family wanted you”, “You killed your mother”, “You don’t really want that baby”. “You think you know everything”. These were some of the words that developed and shaped me. These words clung to me because they crept out of the mouths of the people closest to me. Without dispute there were many moments of happiness in my life. These moments, however were fleeting. Some new tragedy was always on the horizon, stalking me, mocking me, as I relished in temporary joys. Instinctively I became a woman, who was terrified of death, terrified of developing close relationships, terrified of vulnerability. My mind was a perpetual inferno fueled by anxiety and insecurity. To deal with my racing, burning thoughts I molded myself into a woman of fierce ambition, immersing myself in ubiquitous sayings like “everything you want is on the other side of fear”. Achievement ...

Have you ever seen ‘Girl Interrupted’? No? Well think of any movie that takes viewers on the inside of a mental facility, what comes to mind? Straight jackets? Padded walls? Aggressive orderlies? This wasn’t like that at all. I imagined for a split second that I wouldn’t fit in because, after all I wasn’t crazy, crazy right? I managed to have a decent and productive life up until this point. And my current predicament was not of my own doing. However, I wasn’t afraid to be in this environment. Paralyzed by the fact that I caused my family’s destruction because I unknowingly let a monster in my home. I actually rationalized that I was more deserving of this than to be outside in regular society. Shortly after being admitted I felt welcome there. Not immediately. In the first few days, I was quiet. I was still trying to make sense of the circumstances I had found myself in. My thoughts continued to inspire continuous tears that poured easily from my heavy eyes. Somehow, in this contr...

Empty. Blank. Gone. All that remained was broken fragments of a life that once was. Horrifying memories and emotions of constant struggle seemed to define my very existence. Gone were the days of busy school nights and saturdays used to create memories. This new reality was bitter, draining and painful. Who was I becoming? Looking in the mirror my reflection was one only seen in nightmares. Dark circles, disheveled hair, unkempt clothes and a thin frame. I didn’t recognize the woman looking back at me. A friend kept me company through these days of utter despair and after while mentioned to me that seeking professional help was necessary because they had no more comfort to give. My situation was not improving and day after day I laid awake in my own agony. Drowning. Before this I experienced loss on a great level, my parents were deceased since I was a child, in 2010 the father of my oldest children was murdered. So I’m no stranger to heartache but this was crippling. Most of my li...

Isolated and neglected, their innocence shattered. Broken, mislead their security erased. Hopeful and naive, they wait patiently. Unknowing, unaware she will not come, she cannot come, she can’t rescue them, she can’t guard them. Confused because she is gone, their unconditional love causes their tears. They hold tight to her promise, not ready for release. In an instance she loosens her grip and their security vanishes. As I mentioned in my previous post, I made the decision to sort through this rough period of life without my children being present. Maybe it was mother’s intuition but no doubt it was a decision based on fear of the unknown. I couldn’t see my next move. There was no blueprint for redemption. I spent many sleepless nights in a home that I would soon lose, trying to gather all the pieces necessary for triumph. There was no victory in sight and now with my children being gone any and all flickers of light and hope were darkened. My mood became progressively worse. ...

She imagines their laughter and it revives her melancholy mood. Remembering first words, first steps. Her troubled soul is comforted. She struggles daily. Fighting the urge to surrender to her critics. She forces herself to believe that a sacrifice like this is beneficial. The price is proving to be heavy for a fortune she has yet to see. Her heart too, grows heavy, at a gradual and staggering pace. Wanting and hoping that they will understand, that they can appreciate her intentions. Knowing she may fail causes her once confident spirit to grow weary. No solace is given; No hiatus given for peace. Since the age of sweet 16, I’ve held the title of mother. It was a title that I was proud to have. I enjoyed bearing the responsibility of nurturing, cultivating, and developing a young life, that came from me. As an orphan myself, becoming a mother was something that I took serious from day one. Although I was young and without much wisdom I was happy to have the opportunity to be for som...

Now this is a story (blog) all about how my life got flipped turned upside down ~cue Fresh Prince of Bel Air intro music~: In 2015, I hit what most people and for all intents and purposes myself would consider to be ROCK BOTTOM!! My life quickly went from “normal” to being the relative opposite of that in every way imaginable. I guess as I look back over the years leading up to this turn of events, rock bottom was inevitable. Hindsight is most certainly 20/20 and this journey through tragedy,self reflection, healing and patience has taught me that. Most often when we hear the term “rock bottom” we conjure up thoughts of grief, loss, depresssion and any other range of negative emotions. This blog is not about that! No doubt we will discuss and reflect on the moments of anguish that come from being at rock bottom. However, as you may have noticed the title of the blog is ‘Solid Rock Bottom’. One might ask, how can rock bottom be solid? I’m a firm believer that in order to understand s...